A common theme among the very old is an understanding of life as a continuous thread. We recognize that our time here is limited. We also recognize that there are things we can do to contribute, beyond our actual time here on earth.
Many older adults find their attention drawn to a caring for the future. It’s a natural part of the aging process to review one’s life and make amends. Some of us go further and share or invest in projects that will live on after we are gone.
Below are some activities you might consider as you think about your own legacy.
A life review can be done at any age. It simply helps to take a few steps back and put your life into perspective. And if you choose to share it with family members, it can be a legacy of a more personal nature.
Public or private?
Some people wish to share their reviews with family or friends. Others view it as an immensely personal exercise. Making it a private project may allow you to delve deeper without needing to adjust your thoughts based on the expectations of others.
Many formats There’s no “right” medium for a life review:
This can be done privately or for others to read. The advantage is that you can do it at any time you are inspired to dip into your review process.
Audio recording. This medium allows for more spontaneous expression. You won’t get hung up on concerns like spelling or grammar.
This can be very meaningful for sharing your thoughts with family, friends, and perhaps generations not yet old enough to have this type of conversation with you. At the same time, it does include an element of performance that can be limiting or distracting.
There are pros and cons to each medium. It’s your choice which one feels right for you.
A memoir One option is to create a memoir, starting at the beginning and moving chronologically through your life. You certainly can do this. And there are even online services that will let you upload photos and publish a small book. Be aware that people who write memoirs often get bogged down in detail. Or they hit a rough spot in their life and it’s hard to push past it. Memoirs can be fascinating to share. But they can also become overwhelming to write.
A slice-of-life review This type of review is a much shorter project than a memoir. Consider thinking about the top 5 crossroads or challenges in your life
What were the forces at play in your life at that time?
What did you learn from the decisions you made?
What are you proud of from this period in your life?
What have you thought about the roads not taken?
Any insights to share?
You can certainly Google “life review” or “memoir” to get templates and ideas online.
“Good judgement is the result of experience and experience the result of bad judgement.”
— Mark Twain, author
All families have conflict now and then. Simply put, families are messy. And everyone has things they wish they had done differently, with family and friends. Perhaps in their work life as well. Part of the aging process involves reflection about the past, and sometimes regret for the way things turned out.
Lessons from the end-of-life
A staggering number of families have members who don’t talk to each other and haven’t for years. In the face of a terminal diagnosis, however, those grudges often feel small compared to never seeing each other again. Hospice professionals regularly witness families who forgive each other “at the end” and deeply regret all the time they lost as a family and cannot reclaim.
Asking for forgiveness Why wait for a terminal diagnosis? If in a review of your life, you realize there are things you would like to be forgiven for, consider these insights from the Stanford Forgiveness project:
Be vulnerable and truly acknowledge the action you regret. It is not weakness to admit that you did something you wish you hadn’t. It takes a strong person to admit an error in judgment.
Apologize with empathy. “I’m sorry” may work. But what truly creates connection is to express your understanding of the impact of your actions on the other person.
Ask for forgiveness and listen. An apology is a one-way communication. By specifically asking for forgiveness and asking how you might make amends, you begin to rebuild trust. This does not mean you have to do whatever they request. But if you can, that speaks volumes. Often simply listening without defenses is enough.
Say “Thank you.” Forgiveness conversations often end on a very sweet note. They usually involve tears and sacrifices or giving on both sides. Acknowledge that gift as a way to lay the foundation for a new reconciled relationship.
Extending forgiveness It may be that you realize you’d like to resolve an unfinished relationship. Perhaps you have decided that the burdens of the anger and hurt you feel inside are keeping the injury front and present in your life. Forgiveness is a powerful gift, to yourself as well as to the other person.
You do not have to forget. Forgiveness is not excusing the other person’s behavior and sweeping it away. It’s a simple acknowledgement that the bad thing happened, but you want to stop carrying the hurt. You value peace in your heart over the harboring of the grievance.
Forgiveness is about reclaiming your power. You do not even need to communicate with the person who hurt you to forgive them. Instead, your forgiveness can involve your own focus on the positives that are present in your life despite the setbacks.
Acknowledge the courage it takes to forgive. Part of bringing that painful chapter to a close is to recognize that there is great strength in setting down the hurts from the past and walking forward. Forgiveness is an act of courage. Let that be the ending of the story.
If the person involved is not available Whether you are asking for forgiveness, or extending it, the healing is in your own internal shift. If the person involved is not available—through death or distance—you can still make the changes in your heart. Sometimes it helps to write a letter, or enact a conversation with them. Unilateral forgiveness is extremely effective in the process of creating a legacy.
Who are the people who matter most in your life? Have you told them how important they are? Are there things you would like them to know?
It can be awkward to give praise in person. Many people assume their friends and loved ones know they are cared about. Unfortunately, this is rarely the case. (We all tend to under-estimate our value or likability.) A letter is a fine way to be sure those in your innermost circle know how important they are to you, and why. How much their presence has meant to you.
Writing individual letters of appreciation to the important people in your life is a profound and very personal legacy to leave:
Share favorite memories you have of them
Tell them what you admire about them (their personal qualities)
Relate incidents in their lives, choices they made, that made you feel very proud of them (achievements)
Thank them for the joy and caring they brought to you over the years
If there is a special memento you would like them to have, describe it and why you associate it with them. (Be sure to have it labeled and/or set aside so they will receive it if you should die before they get the letter.)
Some people send these letters soon after writing them. Others put them with their will and other legal papers, to be disbursed after they have died. Whatever way you choose, these communications will be keepsakes they treasure forever.
An ethical will is a way to share your wisdom, giving the bequest of lessons learned and loving insights for those who will follow after you in the family. It can also serve as a way to let future generations know more about you.
An ethical will can be written, but like a life review, it can also be dictated or video recorded.
Some make their ethical will available before they die. Others leave it to be disbursed or communicated after their passing. It’s up to you what feels most appropriate.
Thoughts to consider sharing in an Ethical Will:
Your happiest moment and why
Important crossroads and what you learned
Your biggest regret
Suggestions when they encounter hardships
Your definition of religion, spirituality or faith
Stories about your childhood and family life growing up:
Important lessons from your parents, or grandparents
A favorite memory of your mother, father, cousins or grandparents
How your childhood impacted who you became
Your professional life
Many family members may not know about your successes and challenges in the work world.
What is your proudest work achievement?
What was your biggest work challenge?
Who was your most important mentor?
Why did you choose the profession you were in?
Any other profession you considered exploring? What attracted you to the one you ultimately chose?
Other topics you might choose to reflect upon could be:
If you are looking for help with a vulnerable loved one, look no further. When a nursing home told me, the only family member and newly minted POA for mother, that they thought a care manager would help I thought they didn’t know me well enough yet-I manage my own solo private practice and pride myself on caring for loved ones. I had NO IDEA what I was in for the past 2 years and Lionheart (Bianca in particular, a total saint and godsend) has been there with creative, compassionate, and kind solutions every step of the way. Bianca has found ways to help my mother and I that I didn’t even know existed. They are the BEST.
I highly recommend LionHeart Eldercare Consulting. They are a compassionate, caring group of consultants with a wealth of experience, advice, and resources. As the primary caregiver for a loved one with dementia, I often have contacted them for guidance, and they have responded quickly with exactly what I have needed. I cannot praise them enough.
I can’t say enough wonderful things about LionHeart. My husband’s Assisted Living could no longer serve his needs & they wanted him to leave ASAP. LionHeart had the expertise, compassion & wisdom to find the RIGHT place that more than fit his needs and level of care within budgetary constraints. He is very happy there & the care is outstanding. They were also very kind & caring to me. It was my lucky 🍀 day when Colleen of LionHeart was the first agency to return my call on a very bleak day.Thanks & More Thanks! 💗
LionHeart staff helped us identify a quality and caring assisted living community that fit our budget. My dad loves looking out his new bedroom window, watching people and dogs and cars.
During my husband's most recent, and most serious illness, the depth of knowledge of Colleen Duewel, Certified Eldercare Consultant of Lionheart Eldercare Consulting was a true blessing as I navigated the complicated territory of Long Term Health Care, care facilities, Medicare, legal matters - and so on. I highly recommend this company. The invaluable expertise and kindness of Colleen and staff comes at a time when we need it most.
LionHeart Eldercare has been a terrific help in planning for recovery from surgery. They helped me make a great plan for aftercare to help with physical recovery and household tasks. And found the right people/services to make it all work, giving me peace of mind. For their practical and understanding support, I highly recommend LionHeart.
Colleen has been very helpful during my early efforts to assist a friend with dementia . The initial and ongoing info she provided have allowed me to function on my friends behalf. I am sure I will be using more of LionHeart Eldercare's services as the disease progresses.
I highly recommend Colleen to anybody seeking sound, knowledgeable advice about elder care. I make that recommendation based on more than two decades of friendship and her invaluable help during my mother’s last years.In particular, I have Colleen to thank for finding a new home health care service that provided everything Mom needed and more for a much more reasonable amount of money.Colleen is invariably responsive, empathetic and kind.Now I’m working with Colleen to plan for my own final years.
Colleen provided tremendous help and insight when I had to deal with a sister in another city from where I lived. She helped me find the right resources and counseled me throughout a long an difficult situation that I would not been able to have navigated on my own. She compassionate, caring and extremely knowledgeable. I highly recommend her!
Colleen is an out-of-the-box thinker with a real compassion for older adults and their families. She is very knowledgeable about resources in our area and has the hands on experience to guide you through the overwhelming maze of working details. She loves challenges and is persistent in finding options and solutions that will work for your situation. Colleen has patiently listened to my sometimes stressed out ramblings about my elderly family member and was able to clearly identify important issues and offer a direction for finding solutions. I don't hesitate for a second to refer others to Colleen for her services.
Colleen has the experience, network and especially the heart to guide you or someone you love on the often-confusing journey through aging. I've always trusted completely that she would take excellent care of anyone I referred to her, and she's never let me down.
Colleen Duewel is perceptive, knowledgeable, and kind. After only one visit to talk about future living options, she wrote a series of useful recommendations for us. She included general observations about our personal situation and clear information to guide us in decision-making. We were able to decide on a Continuing Care Residential Community quite soon thereafter, and more than once we have called her for quick updates. I have always found her to be responsive and thoughtful. I have confidently referred several other people to Colleen at LionHeart.
One option is to create a memoir, starting at the beginning and moving chronologically through your life. You certainly can do this. And there are even online services that will let you upload photos and publish a small book. Be aware that people who write memoirs often get bogged down in detail. Or they hit a rough spot in their life and it’s hard to push past it. Memoirs can be fascinating to share. But they can also become overwhelming to write.
